O Review

Femdom Review – Libidex Matrix Latex Catsuit For Women

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matrix latex cat suit review

So you were looking for a latex cat suit and you were considering getting the Female Matrix Catsuit from Libidex…

I got the Matrix, my first latex catsuit, as a gift from Silver, who seems to be spending his entire personal entertainment budget trying to wrap me in head to toe rubber, an activity I am not at all resisting. One thing we noticed, however, is the lack of easy to find reviews. The sites that sell them (in this case Libidex), usually have a user submitted section for comments with stars.

Reviews from other people are important, for a number of reasons. For most enthusiasts, latex clothing remains very much the mail order fetish gear (or to update terms, online shopping situation) it was 100 years ago. Often involving significant international shipping. While there’s a whole thriving review industry for sex toys, mostly dildoes and other thing designed to get people with vaginas off, latex seems to be largely a matter of word of mouth, or scrounging old forum posts where some blessed soul spread sheeted a list of brands.

So, my experience with the Matrix Latex Catsuit for women?

This is a footed, full neck to toe latex catsuit available in a scope of different colours. Mine is a size medium, in basic black. My version has their standard thickness latex (o.5 mm). A triple zipper pull system lets you open an access window, probably best for sex, but also bathroom breaks without having to undress, and I suppose, getting your tits out if you would prefer that.

Price: Regular £245 (or $326.77 USD or $424.54 CAD) – get on their mailing list for frequent sales.

Want more? Keep reading.

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Femdom Review: Tempting the Domme by Golden Angel

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Available: Kindle, Audible, Paperback

Author Page: Golden Angel

How did I get this? I bought it.

Contents: Modern Femdom Romance, Hooking up with the Boss, Kink Club, Stand Alone In Series

Did I like It? It’s ok.

I feel bad when I don’t like something, because there’s so few F/m works targeted at women. Tempting the Domme isn’t bad, per say, but there’s a few things I just couldn’t get past. In the first place the setting, a pair of BDSM clubs called the Stronghold and the Marquis, had traditions taken from the worst kind of trying to justify itself BDSM-as-a-culture. Next, the male lead repeatedly ignore the ostensible Domme’s “stop doing that”. Finally there’s too many characters, and I didn’t need to know about a catalogue of their goings on, nor do I think anything of note really happened to any of the side characters worth dedicating so much time to them.

Uhgh, the author, who seems to normally nail out perfectly serviceable M/f romances, doesn’t deserve my fussiness. Maybe this would work for someone else? She clearly is familiar with how BDSM actually works, and her sex scenes pass the possible and chemistry present test. But, I don’t think making the heroine that resistant to the situation is doing the book any favours and ultimately that swayed my away from liking it.

The premise is a “He’s the Boss So It’s A Bad Idea”, which isn’t the worst way to stop a simple, modern relationship transaction from resolving in chapter one. However there’s so much additional accidental showing of how the sub, Luke, has the Domme, Olivia, at a disadvantage. She manages the Marquis, he has part ownership. He’s forever walking into her office to deliver gifts, calling her a pet name she tells him to never call her, etc. The text reminds us repeatedly it’s ok because Olivia secretly likes it and her attraction to him (and lack of hard no) is consent.

This isn’t like, weird Gor style all women want to be taken hard nonsense. But the book very much does not believe reluctance is a reason to stop. And more than just owning part of her work place, those squintillion characters (all heroes of their own books) who make up the social network, including the other owners Olivia is under, are gung ho about mashing the pair together even though she is clearly wildly uncomfortable.

Coercion takes different forms, and I empathized with Olivia identifying that the whole scenario put her in a huge risk if it didn’t work out.

So it isn’t just her singular employer, it’s her other employers, their significant others and her colleagues all finding Luke’s aggressive pursuit of her not only exciting, but a great deal of text is dedicated to everyone caring very much about her personal life. I don’t feel the author realized how much this actually undermined Olivia. I was more scared for her here, where the people were the center of her world were more concerned about a HEA for Luke than how unhappy it made her, than I was for the later Narrative Peril.

For all 25% of the text is dedicated to talking about the safe, protective nature of the club’s teaching and practices, it seemed to be protesting too much.

As for things that we didn’t need, there were also pages of X likes Y but Y likes Z level explanations of social dynamics I can’t figure out why, as a person reading one book in a series, we care about. Between the new characters in the sub class and the regular cast from other books, it honestly became hard to keep track of who was what. Unfortunately Olivia’s perspective didn’t really seem like she liked anyone much either, which as a domme reading about a domme navigating an almost entirely M/f world ended up contributing to the deep sense of not belonging.

There’s a few touches I did like: Olivia’s anxious disguised as aloof domme ego, and sense of self in relation to that. The unusual inclusion of Luke still smarting from a breakup where he was called boring, was interesting. Additionally the author really hit her stride with the exploration of his in scene submissive mindset- it is more realistic than a lot of works write for men. Additionally, Luke being pushy gets a bit better once the will they/won’t they ice gets broken.

I can see where the norms of the genre were working against the intent of the story.

Romance isn’t, by tradition, about situations that the reader might want to actually be in themselves. High drama courtship that would make you mace the lead in real life can also be read with trope goggles on. However, I still think his boundary crossing might have been helped by restructuring him as less of a pigtail pulling tease. Or at least holding off on that until they had an established dynamic. Or it might have helped to discuss the expectations of male courtship to sweep her off her feet versus his role as her boss in text.

As far as serving tropes for tension: There’s a few points where Olivia has real problems due to external drama and peril provided by the narrative, and that lets the characters be put in close enough contact to bond, outside of work. This, ironically, flows a lot less creepy. Still, “were it not for a crazy stalker I wouldn’t tolerate you trying to help” still isn’t setting a comfortable coercion free bed in which the characters could romp.

The peril is also where the author showed some of her strengths and more distinction in the other characters.

For example, I had to giggle at all the Alpha Doms falling all over themselves to try to be useful in a manly way. There was good stuff in the ego push/pull of how very little most people are actually the masterful or timidly enticing sex stereotypes we fantasize about. A side bit about one of the more manly tops enjoying being spooned as a source of shame for him suggests the author, herself, isn’t unaware of the difference between what kinky people aspire to be, and who they are.

Which brings me to the third “nope”. Woven throughout the story was the means by which the club culture initiated new kinky people to being in the group. As per the narrative they had switched from everyone being required to do an “initiation scene” to taking a group class, sorted by category.

In the world of the Stronghold, more binary switches or role fluid people really aren’t a thing. BDSM transcends sexual pleasure and is to be done casually with anyone as a part of the learning process. All dominants must experience “everything” they want to do to subs.

I quote Silver directly:

I wonder if anyone has ever written a book where before someone can sub, they have to dom. “Oh, you want to be spanked? Well, here’s your paddle. Have to pass the standards.“

There really isn’t the idea in the culture of the club that being a submissive can be a personal thing. Meanwhile doms are elevated outside of their relationship dynamics, even encouraged to leer and intimidate the new sub class for mutual titillation. The subs are supposed to wear revealing outfits that distinguish them from the doms, and are perpetually referred to by anyone as “subbie”. Although there is no protocol of obedience, adding in amplified gender roles for most of the side characters really built up the atmosphere of an environment where subs were cherished but not really exisiting in a position as equals outside of their consent. The situation isn’t far from how people act in real life, but it really isn’t a healthy one.

Tempting the Domme is very close to confronting the gendered part of the problem effectively

The problem of universal sub disempowerment is not the author’s fault. Fantasies, and from thence, the kink scenes that tried to recreate them, are forever coming up with scenarios where the power imbalance is real. From putting uneven prestige on being a top and mentor, to creating an artificially one size fits all concept of the helpless sub being ‘protected’, power dynamics nobody needs or signed up for creep in. BDSM also often tries to recreate a sort of hyper-gender role dynamic across the D/s lines instead, and that’s in the book as well, but the author handles that a lot better.

In real life, even our concepts of “Top” and “Bottom”, coopted from queerness, drag in ridiculous ideas about the inherently submissive nature of penetration. The author does a really good job of touching on this and the male protagonist’s struggle with self acceptance. But, as an idealized premise there’s a huge amount of infantilization, and a pretty pernicious problem.

With power oriented along gendered lines for most practical levers in the larger culture. BDSM often stumbles over making M/f heterosexuality, if heterosexuality did drag. But humans don’t actually do binary as well as we like to act we do.

I had a post I did a while back “Queen Hatshepsut’s Strapon“, where I unpacked the problems with centering power on giving a domme a phallus (rather than her having one because she wanted one). Here, the core complexity is softness versus gender roles.

So as a character, excepting the lack of respect he shows for Olivia’s comforts (even when he seems to clearly understand they are there and how line crossing his behavior is), the sub, Luke is an interesting study into where gender and BDSM stereotypes break down in trying to support the lived experience of the people involved.

Credit where credit due, I also appreciated Olivia’s distrust on Luke’s constence, and a certain additional pressure on her side of not feeling unattractive as much as being very used to even men who are into it deciding they just couldn’t handle being like that.

It’s why I, as a reader, feel bad about the fact that I didn’t like it. When there’s very little on the market that’s serving a need, it puts too much pressure on the stuff that does, and for a get-what-you-pay-for kindle ready, well, it’s just ok?

12 Things To Buy Your Domme For Christmas In 2020

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It might be Thanksgiving this week for my American readers, but as a Canadian there’s no barrier between me and full blown holiday cheer. Thus, in the spirit of writing the content I wish to see in the world, here’s the shopping guide of things really worth gifting. Well, giving to me. But you get the point.

A Shiny Dickosaurus Rex

3D printing makes anything possible and the glorious dickosaurs by Mae (@adorabledomme) are one of the best things to come out of 2020. Glossy and fierce, a word of caution if your ornaments will be put to any recreational use they are not made of plastic that’s body safe, so make sure that any explorations in trying to make reverse fossils use a barrier method to keep their fierce creatures contained. Give her a whimsical reason to smile as we kiss this trash fire of a year goodbye.

The most ludicrously glittering shoes

Irregular Choice offers shoes that let you put the femme in femdom. Sure the Nick of Time shoes aren’t the usual fetish fare! But, if getting to sit at your feet and worship is the real gift you can give them, let your sub see them appropriately adorned.

I want them. Or in purple. Or black. And I want to press my size 41 foot into his face before making him plant perfectly precise kisses in the middle of each bow.

Hard Smacks & Fat Stacks

Pen & Kink is back at it, with a must have kinky kitchen wall print. Pair with maple syrup and a long handled cheese board to give to your domme friends, or anyone else who isn’t ashamed to show wasn’t on the menu in their house.

Not a decor kind of domme? There’s tshirts, stickers, and of course all sorts of lovely other designs. I’m partial to “Silence is Golden”, or the “That’s a Paddling” pillow.

Twisted Monk Limited Edition “Tannenbaum” Rope

O Christmas Tree! Decorate your cute little bondage bunny in limited edition festive hemp rope. Snag it now, it’s only here for the month, and I can’t tell you if it will becoming back. Personally I am already imagining a suspension with rough hewn timbers, a wreath crown, and fat advent candles dripping hot wax.

And hey, the colour might be just for December, but there’s the lifetime safety guarantee that if you get a little tangled and a safety snip is needed, replacement is possible.

Now if only regular Christmas lights and garlands came with that offer too…

Silver (4) Balls

Shiny 4 Balls in silver stuffs more than a stocking, though at the budget “Planet Dildo” price makes it particularly perfect to pad out gift bags and sparse packages.

And with frequent sales and fairly fast shipping, if you miss the inevitable Black Friday deal, Tantus pretty reliably runs 50% and 40% off sales.

Want to see more? Keep reading after the jump…

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The Bizarre Bondage Of Beatrix Potter: or The Proof is in the Rolypoly Pudding

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THE SAFEWORD IS FURCADIA

Pop culture historians know that the origin of the contemporary Furry culture were fans of “Funny Animal Comics”, but while we generally aren’t shocked that modern Furries are hecking pervy, what if I told you that the fetish fodder woven into those plush suits went all the way to the root?

Meet Beatrix Potter: Late Victorian to Edwardian era mycologist, illustrator, and generally remembered as beloved children’s book author. You probably grew up with at least some familiarity with the Tale of Peter Rabbit (all her kids books followed one animal in human clothes or another) or the other adorably named, folksy very British pastel mammals and birds. I had a complete run of her children’s works, printed hard cover with dust jackets, printed to be about the side of an adult’s hand, with a nice display box.

This isn’t a story where we talk about how she also had a second trade in making BDSM porn, like the explicitly kinky creator of Superman. Beatrix Potter’s other identity was a thwarted by sexism, but outside of her kid’s books, she was merely talented botanist who studied mushrooms (and then after a land conservationist). No, Miss Potter put her kinky themes front and centre: a fascination with authority figures seeking to punish their naughty charges; clothes being shredded, lost and torn; and captivity in tight spaces and scenarios

And there’s nowhere more blatant than “The Tale of Samuel Whiskers”

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Femdom Review: Bold Seduction

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Or: “The Bold Seduction Of Professor Hornsby”

It’s Regency Femdom Week, but I am immensely busy trying to dodge a pandemic to safely meet my submissive, and don’t have the undivided attention to bang out a proper work of fiction. Instead I offer a Regency Historical Romance review by way of consolation!

“Bold Seduction” is available on Amazon here as an exclusively digital book, as well as the standard kobo, nook, etc… At the time of writing this review it’s still on sale for 99 cents, but the regular price is quite fair too. I receive no affiliate or financial benefits from my review, and the closest I am to the author is following her on Twitter.

The book, itself

The Bold Seduction (of Professor Hornsyby) by Karyn Gerrard, was something I grabbed on sale for 99 cents. The premise was unusual- a male virgin, so I was intrigued to see what she would do with it, although I had never read anything by her before.

I am very glad I did.

I keep saying the problem isn’t that femdom content isn’t out there, it’s that it is seldom flagged as femdom. This particular novel manages to hit enough points to do better than many things that call themselves thus, and with the organization of the first annual Regency Femdom Week,  I would be remiss not to both review and promote this book.

Our hero, Philomena, or “Phil”, is a brothel madam who still occasionally sees clients. She’s now in her early 30s and doing very comfortably, but getting a little bit bored. Thus when she is hired by the well meaning friends of Spencer, the third son of a nobleman, to relieve him of his virginity, she takes the job herself. “Professor” Spencer is autistic, and as an austistic person (me), his portrayal is probably my favourite in fiction so far.

The book is from a short story, and now is the launch of a trilogy. I can see why she gave it a second pass and more fleshing out; it was well worth its increased length. Although it’s very much an erotic romance, there is no gratuitous sex, and an extremely slow burn story, as much about cooking and getting to know one another than bedroom romps. I usually skip the sex scenes in romances, and I never felt I needed to here.

This is not hard femdom, but (author) knows how to build a tease and denial atmosphere, replete with edging. Despite her mission, and the hero’s reluctance, our protagonist manages to reaffirm enthusiastic consent every step of the way. The convenient remote location and lack of transportation to and from the hero’s isolated house gives the characters space to get to know each other and her to respect the initial no without immediately leaving. If not strictly a Christmas romance, with the framing of New Years in the background, this is a Holiday story that holds up year round.

Content note to femdom hungry readers:

Although most of the sex is very directed and initiated by her, as Spencer starts to feel his oats, the heroine enjoys him taking a more assertive role occasionally.

It does not, however, disempower her or flip roles completely. He very innocently keeps joking about her being a queen in a way that I find is often a real life tell for a sub guy in the wild.

As a person who has done the sexual initiation thing, I generally find I appreciate knowing I have installed confidence into my target. I generally don’t code it as “dominant” in my emotional experience of his behaviour, but I enjoy Silver takes initiative and doesn’t confine himself to by the numbers submission.

This book does zero sadomasochism and manages to affirm enthusiastic content with natural regularity. There is no bondage, and no degradation. You won’t enjoy this if you are hunting harder kinks, but I found it nicely hit on the right notes for a naturally occurring FLR.

What about its success as a genre piece & romance?

There’s all the good stuff of a historical romance: Dresses. Navigating social class. Self discovery. Social ruin. The fantasy of inequality put in the service of feeling powerful. We don’t, thankfully, get a surprise extra level of enobling, but the hero is the third son of an Earl, so this isn’t strictly speaking the rare historical commoner romance.

Phil’s approach to sex work doesn’t go down quite so obnoxiously as many heroines, although this does do the “only client I actually ever was attracted to”. She is a victim of an abduction into her trade, which I was a little cautious of, and a little foreshadowing that her wicked aunt and uncle may have intentionally disposed of her into this state of social ruin. Luckily this book doesn’t assert all sex workers are victims, but touches on her colleagues having a huge scope of different experiences and relationships with what they do for a living.

Buried in all this, however, is a very lovely story about the isolation of trauma. Maybe this is particular to me, my autism exists in a space of unclear beginning/end between serious business abuse I survived. Spencer and Phil are both living in self imposed silos of isolation because of abuse, and that’s rather the connection point I can understand how they get each other.

Emotionally Avoidant People In Love

Phil and Spencer are using intense self reliance as a means to be safe, and neither is very trusting. Spencer overtly is never sure if he can trust the good intentions of anyone but his family due to very real past experiences. Phil, meanwhile, repeatedly remarks she respects, but isn’t close to her colleagues in her business, with a very obvious theme of nurturing but arms length to them. For example, a character mentioned repeatedly, but not introduced “Darius” her business’s security, is a rescue from a back alley beating, and I can bet that her “nobody cares about me” attitude never uttered self pityingly, is ruthlessly enforced. 

Spencer makes her feel safe because she is so busy unpuzzling him and accommodating, that the inevitable love sneaks up and grabs her unawares. She makes him feel safe because she narrates everything she is doing with him and takes the time to explain something he’s hitherto been exposed to as something humans are supposed to automatically figure out.

Another thing I found pleasant in Gerrard’s depiction of autism was that she skipped the trope of inherent misanthropy. The hero is withdrawn, not because he can’t connect with people, but because the experience of being autistic has provided repeated trauma, both sensory processing and socially. We learn his inevitable social class fueled boarding school experience was an exercise in learning to suppress to survive. But we also see a family that, like every family tree with autism in it, has learned to accommodate.

What Spencer has, that Phil doesn’t, is a foundation of being loved by family, that he is able to share, in turn, by loving her.

And (hooray!), he is no Rain Man. True, he is an academic, but he’s not framed as a magic savant, just a guy with a strong knack for his field of study. I also had to grin when I saw him doggedly (and implied accurately) using the medium of classical history to understand human behaviour- oops, hello me! He also isn’t a particularly successful scholar as far as achievement- his “Professor” is a courtesy title he’s chasing because he seems to be trying to leverage his talents to overcome his disability.

Spencer also wanders around being boggled Phil doesn’t send him into a meltdown, again, see me with a big Cheshire cat grin. With spectrum disorders you can come to believe your worst is normal. In reality, the severity goes up and down with how stressed you are, so a discovery of a modicum of empathy and acceptance can seem miraculous.

Although I don’t consider saying their is a HEA is a spoiler, I am going to park a more tag before I touch on the climax of the novel.

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Favourite Femdom Things to Buy: October 2020 Edition

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Because a significant amount of my time is spent looking at neat or sexy things and honestly if I find it interesting I might as well share. Captialism!

“Mistress” T-shirt from Ava Ex Machina

It's a picture of me.
Modeling a “Medium” after one wash, and looking damn good doing it, too.

Is there anything this woman can’t do? Yes, that’s an actual picture of me, stockings and all, feeling absaloutly gorgeoud in my favourite of her designs. The Mistress shirt has the loopy femme font, the pretty crop (my favourite idiot proof toy) and just the right positioning.

The shop image does not do it justice- so I am so glad I bought it. Not your style? Consider her Vaporwave “Dream Domme” or the direct “Pay Me” hatchet.

One caveat, her store isn’t always open so you may need to follow Ava and see. But you should probably follow her on Twitter anyway.

BS Atelier Oben 3

It’s Spanish!

The BS Atelier Oben 3 is simply too pretty not to have me considering the aesthetics. Either poking from a strapon harness, or held by the base, being able to get it without annoying shipping from Come as You Are is just a little bit too tempting to add to cart.

It would also fill a hole (snrk) in my toy collection as the head is much less impractically bulbous than the Tantus Silk Large. Even though I managed to buy that toy twice (I got it from pinkcherry, so much cheaper, but their stock is a lot more limited). I like the Night Sky design enough I want to get it in all three sizes and use it for Silver’s oral training.

Deadly Couture Latex Blouse

I wish they specified the brand on their site better…

It’s the high necked vintage look and drape that lures me in. Probably good for my pocket book ($308 Canadian), this latex blouse is luckily not an easy trip and try on to determine if it would look as good on me, tucked into my corset waisted latex skirt, as it does on the model. I’m between their small and medium for tops, so even if I were handed the cash to blow on goodies I would probably be reticent to splurge. Nonetheless this definitely informs the top I will eventually acquire.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m also admiring the unique detail of the lace on that skirt too… But I think once I sort out my need for stockings this is on the next wanted list.

Definitely Not a Toy Bag

Available with or without accessories…

Luna Matatas, the sex educator, has cleverly realized that branded merch is a good way to get people to support her work, and tbh even though it’s just a canvas pouch with printing, it’s working way too well on me.

I can’t decide between this Definitely not Bondage Stuff bag, and the same design in black and white.

S- Series Roomba Robot Vacuum

I will stick googly eyes to it.

Roomba!

Roomba. Send Roomba. Roomba now. Please give. I deserve a roomba. You need to send me a roomba.

I obviously should receive the fanciest roomba on the market.

There’s an affiliate link to Tantus’s store, but that’s the only possible kick back there. You can read more about my policy with ads and sponsored content here.

Femdom Book Review: At His Lady’s Command by Nicola Davidson

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This is a cream puff. It’s a sugary, gooey confection you bite into and there is flakey bits all over your blouse and custard oozing out, but you aren’t sorry you did it. Our protagonists, Lady Portia and her faithful bodyguard Denham start out as unrequited, and within a chapter, rush from lust to bed at speed- we aren’t making any pretence this isn’t porn.

With that in mind, if you are looking for exact historical accuracy, this might not be for you. Rich heiress runs a sexual dream society attended by pairings and a triad from other books, and does good works. The past-ish background serves largely as a fig leaf to add propriety to rebel against and peril to intrude. As such, the premises of the plot can fall apart if you stare too long at them.

This is gentle femdom. Don’t expect bondage or sadomaschism more intense than scratches, but do enjoy that our 38 year old heroine and 44 year old hero are plausibly into each other and her control, while also keeping them as firmly defined equals outside the context of their kinks.

Honestly my biggest criticism is the speed the story was rushed interfered with the possability of larger tension and made the peril of the story a bit less fleshed in favour of Denham or Portia yearning for each other. But!

Holy hell is it a breath of fresh air to get a protagonist that is not a professional. Not that being a pro is bad, but the vast majority of femdom romances targeted for the female gaze approach the subject as a story of an idealized dominatrix, usually a service top. The characters like eachother and compliment eachother. They have plausible chemistry.

Davidson looks like she knows what she is talking about, when it comes to femdom, and although her larger suite of offerings covers pretty much the gamut of relationships (looks like M/f, a mmf triad, lesbian and gay make up the other books in her Surrey Sexual Freedom Society series, for example) this is not a tick box sampler or someone writing outside their depth.

This may be pure romance-land in the larger framing, but expect a good fusion of modern tastes and historical vulgarity- nobody does a cockstand or has a mossy grot, but there are no throbbing members. I would have a hard time placing the exactness of period, but they do manage birth control that is both plausible and historically accurate.

In all, I wish Davidson had the time to let this develop properly with more length, but having tasted her wears, even if I might have a stray crumb or two to brush away, I will be back to this particular bakery again.

Want a copy? At His Lady’s Command is a kindle exclusive. I bought it myself on a whim and have received no sponsorship to review.

Femdom Movie Review: Dogs Don’t Wear Pants

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TL;DR Verdict:

Oneric *deeply* dark romantic comedy. Expect fucked up visuals and a view into kink as filthy. Protagonist is super unhealthy, but this is in the camp as “Secretary” more so than “The Piano Teacher”.

Now for a more detailed review…

Boy meets girl, boy obsessed over unhealthy behaviours, girl is attracted to his pain and feels connection through sadism, boy has midlife crisis connected to inability to cope with death of wife, boy gets a fucking clue and sort of emerges from cocoon of self destruction.

Unlike cheerful romps like “Walk All Over Me” or “Preaching to the Perverted”, this one is trying to say something a bit deeper about humanity, at least in the artistic tradition of an upper middle class, middle aged man having a full on melt down while getting laid.

Juha is a slim, attractive but a bit goofy heart surgeon who loses his wife in the first act. It’s important here to take the scenes as his fractured psyche/fantasy assembling memory- as he imagines/experiences trying to save her from drowning and being pulled back from joining her by the demands of caring for his toddler daughter.

Thus we see him as comparing himself to a caught fish, choking in the bottom of a fisherman’s boat. Early scenes are important to establish Juha as having redeeming qualities- it uses a lot of show don’t tell to let you know what is going on and you are about to watch him completely fall apart for an hour.

I cannot review this without spoilers, so you are duly warned that I will probably deconstruct this enough to spoil some of the shock comedy gags.

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You Won’t Guess How I Use A Magic Wand…

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Yes I photographed my new magic wand on a friend's patioI just ordered not one but two Magic Wands, the workhorse dependable of the sex toy set, one for me and one for a friend. There’s some standards you get used to, the rabbit (really not very trendy anymore), the Aneros, a bullet vibe, a vibrating cock ring, the CB(whatevernumber)000 in all its ugly clear plastic glory. But, if I could only have one famous sex toy it would be the Magic “stop calling it a Hitachi” Wand. The Magic Wand is just so standard it would be hard to have modern sex and not be aware it exists.

In makeup, they make a big deal about products that get branded “holy grail” or “ride or die” or whatever hyperbolic nonesense you want. The video game version is calling things iconic. Sex toy review haven’t as obviously come up with a cliche for that (although the intelligent snark in the blog genre is well worth a read, I’ve scattered the end of the post with a few who’s whos and invite you to share your favourite reviewer in the comments). In the sea of items that humans have created to get off with, The Magic Wand just is. It’s a platonic ideal of a sex toy, so standard and effective that even porn uses them with a more casual attitude than lube.

But after all that puffery: They don’t really work for me as a sex thing, but I use them happily with partners. I could skip them in the bedroom.

So, let’s review this supposed miracle of plastic and wire!

Allegedly the vibrator is one of the oldest patented electric appliances, which is unsurprising. The tech is simple, an electric motor and a mechanism to transmit the vibrations. A washing machine would give you that effect unintentionally.  Although I tried a washing machine and alas, no dice, although I have good things to say about the right shape of a chair and the seam of a pair of jeans, albeit only vaguely pleasant. But I digress…

The Magic Wand is ugly. White that can eventually age a bit, with a big chunky control switch and meaty head, if it didn’t have such a legacy as a sex toy, it would look just like the vintage wellness appliance it was created to be. Hitachi’s little embarrassment, its popularity is such that they have a love/hate relationship with their product. On the one hand, incredibly profitable, on the other hand, even to this day Hitachi is synonymous with vibrator the way that Kleenex is with facial tissue. Since people are understandably shy about sexuality, wanting both money and anonymity, their subsidiary Vibratex took over.

Aficionados tell me the Magic Wand got a slight change for the better during this period, more strength, with a lighter body. These improvements are welcomed, but are about the only updates it has received since its debut in 1968. There are great grandmothers (and great grandfathers) extant who got a good buzz out of this toy, but it generally is considered to sit at perfection.

Instead the market is full of knock off and imitations of the design. Most of these are disappointments, except for augmentations like the “Doxy”, which simply blows its muse out of the water for pure power, and is the pounding vibration favourite of many. But if you don’t have almost a hundred or so extra dollars to throw on the earthshaker version, you can get the Original Magic Wand for about $60 US.

Everybody has heard of a Magic Wand, reviewing it feels almost redundant.

The Magic Wand is so common, if you want, you can buy special nubby hats that go on the meaty bit, from a wide bunch of manufacturers. I wouldn’t bother, the Magic Wand’s main strength is that it turns virtually anything else into a vibe, from his thigh (straddle!) to the butt plug you have poked into him just so.

For me, the biggest payoff of having a Magic Wand around is using them on other people. Whether causing a friend to have her eyes roll like a slot machine, or taking a handjob up to the next level, it’s a sensory play toy for anyone with nerve endings.

If you are going to share it, the plastic head of the Magic Wand is probably one of the draw backs- it’s not going to give you cancer, but not only does it yellow a bit over time and take smudges (the worse being when I used one to vibe a steal cock cage- lesson learned, although the guy came because cock cages are not very effective. Put a large sized condom on it and laugh at how silly it looks. Phhhppppplllllttttt!

I, alas, can’t get off from vibrations. An up/down motion does it for me with very firm grinding, so while I have used them as a sexual enhancement, alas I remain bitterly jealous of all the cooing women who touch it to their clits and BLAM, orgasm. All I get is sensation, followed by numbness.

On other people. >:)

The place this toy shone for me is discovering how much of a cheat code it was with partners. Lube up his dick, cup in in your hand and rub it up and down the shaft. Boom, ropes of milky come everywhere. At a play party? Press it to her crotch through her panties and have a couple of friends hold her arms. Whee!

Is use on penis having people is a dearly neglected part of the value of the toy, so if you are into teasing and getting guys off as part of your femdom, and it hasn’t occurred to you, try bringing it out of the toy box to try on his squirmy, bound body.  Degender your sex toys.

Then, when you’re done, swab it down with a bleach wipe like it’s a piece of gym equipment. It sure looks ugly, but boy does is do the job it is supposed to (on most people). Heck, be a sex party hero and throw and extension cord into your bag.

I use the Magic Wand for its original intended purpose…

I hate to be NLOB (not like other bloggers) but this guy will never, ever be my own personal orgasm factory. Despite this, I had to get it.

I get migraines about monthly, biweekly if I am not taking good care of myself. They range from merely obnoxious, giving me days of fuzzy headedness, to accute, evening long sessions of screaming pain where I end up in the bathroom completely helpless. Over a lifetime of dealing with them I’ve learned tricks- advil or muscle relaxants at the first symptoms, dark rooms, gentle exercise if they go into a lull. All this is blissfully complimented by jamming a Magic Wand against the sinus under my eye and letting it buzz the pain right out of me.

Which I guess is part of the challenge with sex writing, as it’s so damn personal. In a world of gspot orgasms and squirting and people who like being rope bunnies, there’s so much yum that feels ubiquitous but when you look up close is a lot more custom to the person.

I will probably never get off from vibrations alone, my tiny clit doesn’t like that kind of lovin’.  But I think, as this blog suggests, that my approach to my sexuality will be as unorthodox as it is honest, that there is no one wrong way to do it and not having a migraine is well worth the sticker price.

Yeah there’s an affiliate link here. Yes, I tried and tested the product in question. I like it so much that I bought it.

Here’s a list of bloggers who are better at talking about sex toys than me:

Femdom Review “The Butters” Oil Based Lube

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An oil based lube shown next to my favourite. I like this, but not for sex.

From time to time, as a blogger, I’m privileged to get random free samples shucked my way, for the publicity my talking about it gives, and also beta testing. In the case of The Butters, an oil based lube, it is one of the nicest moisturizers I have ever tried, but… I don’t want to put it on my vulva, or give someone a hand job with it, or slick up a toy with it. I will happily rub it into my legs and face, but it is not a good sex product for me.

And this brand does EVERYTHING right, so don’t think this is one of my little rants, like my disapproval of those cheap sex toys from overseas manufactures that swear they are 100% silicone and smell like a tire fire.  This is a a homemade oil based mix of different thick, edible fats with about the texture of a creamy body butter. You can’t use it with latex condoms, but it makes sure you know what it is right away, and it’s skin safe and scentless. I really like the politics of this producer and the fact that the branding is gender neutral while still taking into account its testers varied anatomy.

I even find the brown and yellow colour scheme visually attractive! Gosh, I wish I could tell you about how this was my go to lubricant, and how it totally rocked my socks. But it just doesn’t do the job it’s marketed to do.

That being said, the manufacturer is super responsive and gave me more tips on how to get the most value out of it (use a lot) as well as took my feedback regarding the sample bottles (yours would come in a jar, not a squeezy, I had trouble getting the product out). I was so sad I couldn’t make the sex part work that I put off my review for over a year. Procrastination isn’t the most mature solution, but I hate having to give a thumbs down, even a gentle, entirely it’s-not-you-it’s-me one.

I think I just need a thinner lube to experience the right mimic of what I naturally have. It feels unpleasantly chunky after getting used to oil for my massage and sex needs, and absorbs almost instantly in quantities I feel comfortable slathering on. That’s great stroked into freshly shaved legs or patted into my oft sensitive complexion. I imagine with a whole palmful it might be lovely for butt stuff.

I’m not the only reviewer to notice that it’s very other purpose friendly, not something I can say for water based KY (or KY knock offs) or silicone lube (no silicone lube for me, the bathroom floor was slippy for days after). It even lacks the excessively medicinal feel, and never goes tacky like the water based lubes due after a while.

But at the end of the day this is a fantastic natural, small batch moisturizer from a great independently owned business. I might even buy more to replace out my standard go to body butter, but I can’t make it work for sex, even if I actually like an oil based lube like coconut or sweet almond oil.

Note: The ingredient list has shifted a bit. Mine had arrow root powder but the formula on their website is as follows: “aloe vera gel, raw shea butter*, pure coconut oil, pure extra virgin olive oil, pure grapeseed oil, pure palm kernel oil*, pure soy lipid emulsion*, apple cider vinegar & guar bean powder.”